


If Only

by OccasionalStorytelling



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: mild violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-26
Updated: 2019-08-26
Packaged: 2020-09-27 00:37:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 897
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20398804
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OccasionalStorytelling/pseuds/OccasionalStorytelling
Summary: Bucky thinks about his time in Hydra when he’s alone in the tower.Set to the song “if only” by bowling for soup.





	If Only

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [If Only](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/513001) by Bowling For Soup. 

> https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=gEn7wwIAbgw&vidve=5727&autoplay=1
> 
> Listen to the song here

If only you were here

If only I were I could see your eyes

If only I were with you if only I could kiss you

If only I had just one night to make this right, oh

I would turn this thing around

I'm sad and lonely, drunk and tired of beating myself to a pulp

And I'm not giving... up

Bucky hated being in the tower on Steve’s floor when Steve wasn’t around. It was too quiet. He put on music, or he played white noise, or he opened all the windows just to try to get some of the city sounds in the space...because when it was quiet, sometimes he would close his eyes and he’d see something he didn’t want to remember. 

If only you were here...

The bed was never right, somehow. Propping himself up with pillows was too much like  the chair,  and lying down was too much like something he didn’t remember. Didn’t matter how soft the blankets were, they always felt constricting. Didn’t matter how loose the pajamas were, they always felt like they could strangle him. And he couldn’t sleep naked, for entirely  different  painful hydra-related reasons. There was no good middle ground. The soft bed was a trap, the hard floor was a memory, and what other options did he really have?

If only I could see your eyes...

Back when they first started with him, Bucky used to think about Steve, a lot. About how this big, Captain America kind of guy would bust in and rescue him, like the first time hydra got him. Or sometimes Bucky would pretend that Steve had never had any serum at all, just the poor guy, alone in this cell in hydra’s basement, with no one but Bucky to help him, certainly no upper body strength to speak of. That Steve needed Bucky, that Steve was small but he wasn’t quite weak. Bucky would pretend to hold Steve in his arms and comfort him. He’d rack his brains for what he’d say to cheer up Steve, because if he could make Steve feel better in this situation, surely he could make himself feel better too. 

If only I were with you...

It was easier to think about tiny Steve because tiny Steve didn’t come with the hope of escape. Tiny Steve didn’t offer to bust Bucky out of anywhere, and couldn’t even if he tried. Tiny Steve existed, in Bucky’s memory, to be cared for and protected. Bucky couldn’t protect himself, but he could care for and protect that tiny version of Steve. 

If only I could kiss you, 

If only I had just one night to make this right...

Bucky remembered vaguely what it felt like to have sexy fantasies. He could remember lying in bed in his shitty apartment, thinking about Steve and what it would be like to hold him close, warm up the poor guy and keep him safe from the outside world. He hadn’t had any sexy thoughts in a while. Now his fantasies were more violent, and he couldn’t tell if it was the training they were putting him through or the torture or his own sick twisted mind but now he pictured himself grabbing a technician and squeezing his throat until he stopped moving, finding a knife on the ground and throwing it into someone’s face, punching someone over and over until they begged him to stop, everyone wearing the stupid red design of hydra... he didn’t like thinking these thoughts, but it was better than submitting, right? It was better than not thinking anything, right? Eventually, “not thinking anything” came for Bucky and there wasn’t an escape. 

Oh, I

Would turn this thing around

I’m sad and lonely

Drunk and tired of

Beating myself to a pulp

But all of that was behind Bucky now, wasn’t it? Training at the gym was entirely different than being tortured by hydra. Even if the same sorts of images kept flirting unbidden through his head, the punching bag turning into Alexander pierce and the wall turning into Rumlow and if only Bucky could get stronger, he could destroy them once and for all—he’d come back to himself bruised and bleeding from his knuckles, with his hair knotted and his body aching. It was still better than trying to sleep. 

And I’m not

Giving

Up

He didn’t know if the goal was to destroy hydra, to make Steve happy, or to start caring for himself again. He wasn’t sure if thinking in goals was a remnant from hydra or something that was truly his own. He wasn’t sure of anything, and he wasn’t sure what he wanted. But hell if he wasn’t going to move heaven and earth to get it. As soon as he figured out what it was. 

He had a song stuck in his head. Only the chorus was actually sung, the rest was spoken aloud like if was left on a voicemail... but it stuck with him.

If only you were here

If only I were I could see your eyes

If only I were with you if only I could kiss you

If only I had just one night to make this right, oh

I would turn this thing around

I'm sad and lonely, drunk and tired of beating myself to a pulp

And I'm not giving... up


End file.
